


Remember What It Was Like

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Memory Loss, tiny!Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-16
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-15 04:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Avengers, Steve gets changed back to his pre-Captain America size and strength. He and the team have to deal with that, plus the matter of Bucky slowly regaining his memories and deciding who and what he wants to fight for. Eventual Steve/Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Steve was just starting to get used to this century.

The Avengers team, living in the tower, the 21st century media – Steve was learning to navigate it. He had even figured out how to copy and paste on his phone, something only Pepper and Coulson had accomplished to his knowledge.

It had thrown him for a loop, of course, when Bucky had shown up. That had been hard. But at least Bucky was no longer trying to kill them all. SHIELD had managed to convince Bucky that he should join their side, at least for the time being, so they could work on helping him as he got his memory back. Bucky was still a little skeptical, but he had at least had some flashes come to him, little moments in the past. Being shot at in France. A dance hall in Brooklyn. If he was starting to remember Steve, he wasn’t saying so, though. Steve was starting to get the impression that he was making Bucky a little uncomfortable at times, as if Bucky picked up on Steve’s rather embarrassing desire to ask every single day “Are we best friends again yet?” So Steve was trying as hard as he could to be supportive without pressuring Bucky to remember far more than he could.

So it wasn’t easy. But Bucky was back, and that made up for a whole lot of hard. 

And Steve was in action again. Every week, there was a threat. Some small, but Steve didn’t say no to any mission that he had a clear conscience about, so he was always busy. There was always someone picking on somebody just because they could.

Of course sometimes the threats weren’t small. Sometimes it was a sorcerer from another dimension who had a bone to pick with Loki and thought erroneously that Thor was protecting him on earth. 

Luckily, the sorcerer wasn’t of the destroy-the-planet-to-find-one-man variety. But he did manage to take out the security at Avengers tower. Thor had been very insulted at the man’s accusations, but they were clearly outgunned. And none of them liked the look of the ray gun the sorcerer was carrying. Tony had managed to keep the sorcerer talking for a few minutes with some choice sarcastic comments, distracting him as Natasha almost imperceptibly moved closer as she pretended to be interested in hearing the conversation. Steve tried to do the same from a different angle. It all went to hell of course, when the sorcerer realized what Tony was doing and raised the ray gun at him. Natasha sprang over to Tony to try to knock him down out of the way, but she wasn’t quite fast enough. Steve had no choice but to jump in front of the gun and take the hit that was meant for them.

And then it all went dark.

Dark and painful, like his muscles were being shredded, like his bones were imploding. 

When he woke up, he was in a bed at the clinic at SHIELD. Everyone was standing around him, looking down at his bed, worried.

He tried to wave them off, gesture that he was fine, but when he raised his arm he suddenly realized how very small his arm was. Thin, bony even. 

He closed his eyes.

“Tell me what happened.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve hates being in his new (old) body; Steve talking to Bucky, Tony, and Natasha.

The sorcerer had gone back to his dimension. Clint had shot an electric arrow at him and knocked him out, and when he came to, they were able to get some answers. In transport, he had managed to escape and go home.

“Will we be ready when he comes back?” Steve asked.

Natasha answered, “While we were interrogating him, he was also gathering information on us.”

“Funny how some people are good at that trick,” Clint said, raising an eyebrow at Natasha. 

She ignored Clint and continued, “He figured out that Loki really wasn’t hiding out here and then he had no more use for us. Unfortunately, he didn’t leave a solution to your… issue.”

The issue of Steve being small, sick, and weak.

They explained the rest to Steve then: the gun was intended as psychological warfare. It turned its target into whatever he or she most feared becoming. Apparently, Steve was still terrified of being what he used to be physically.

Steve tried not to grimace at that. They didn’t seem to pick up on the fact if Steve were braver, if he had gotten past the terrors of his youth, the ray wouldn’t have taken his power away.

The doctor came in then to inform them all that Steve appeared unharmed by the ray except, of course, for the fact that he now had his old problems: severe asthma, and, according to the tests, a couple of vitamin deficiencies and mild anemia. The nurse handed Steve a bag full of pill bottles and inhalers and some quick-fire instructions on what to do with them.

Soon, they were all headed back to the tower, with everyone making rather obvious efforts to not mention Steve’s size. 

Everyone except Tony, of course, who asked if he could call Steve “Mini-Cap.” That got Tony a very intimidating look from Bucky, which Steve should have been gratified for but instead it just reminded him of all those times Bucky had to come to his rescue.

When they got home, Steve told them that he was tired and wanted to go to his room. They all nodded, and Steve wondered if maybe they all assumed he was tired physically, which infuriated him for some reason. But he wasn’t about to announce that he what he was actually tired of was finally finding a purpose and a place and then having it all taken away. Again.

As he walked up to his room, Bucky followed him, which was a first. If it were anyone else, Steve would have told him where he could shove his concern. Because he really wasn’t in a mood. But Bucky voluntarily spending time with him was a rare thing.

When they got there, Bucky just casually plopped down on the couch in Steve’s quarters, looking like he belonged there. 

Steve had forgotten how good Bucky was at doing that.

Bucky sighed. “Sorry this happened.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s not, you know…”

Steve winced. He knew the rest: _It’s not the end of the world._

“I can’t help them any more, the team,” Steve said, “There are aliens invading and sorcerers popping up and robot armies and no one’s going to let me do a damn thing to help.”

“Maybe you’re meant for bigger things than fighting battles,” Bucky said. 

Steve shook his head. 

“What?” Bucky asked.

“I just can’t believe we have to have this argument again,” Steve said wryly. Usually Bucky closed off the moment Steve mentioned some memory Bucky couldn’t access. But Steve didn’t have the energy to tiptoe. 

“So… I said that before?”

“Almost word for word,” Steve confirmed.

“And I take it that back then, you didn’t listen to me either.”

“Yep.”

Bucky nodded, staring at Steve. Finally Bucky said, “So why exactly did I want to be friends with someone so incredibly stubborn?”

Steve looked over at him, his teasing smirk, and for a second it was like 1940. 

He grinned at Bucky then and said, “I guess you just couldn’t help yourself.” 

It was the first time this century that he heard Bucky laugh.

\--

The next day, Pepper and Tony brought Steve’s breakfast up to his room. Bucky had gone to his own quarters after a short talk, but Steve had stayed up most of the night pacing.

He didn’t have much of an appetite, but he ate half a croissant and some coffee. 

After pleasantries, Tony said, “So, you know, it’s weird that you’re most afraid of becoming, like, smaller. Most people would be afraid of like something else. Like can you imagine if Bruce had gotten hit? Bad. So all things considering, this is a lot better than it could be.”

Steve’s lips thinned. Was he really supposed to listen to why this wasn’t a big deal? For them anyway?

But Pepper elbowed Tony then, and he said, “What I mean is, what I came up here to say is, you know, I’m glad… like if it had been me, I would be pretty… you know, just thinking about kind of makes feel like the room is just small and… I mean really, one would imagine that most versions of me would be awesome but you never know,” Pepper elbowed him again. “Thanks. I just wanted to say, you know, thanks. For what you did.”

Steve nodded. “Just doing my job.”

Tony looked at him funny. “Well, yeah. That’s what I came up here to say. We’ll, uh, see you downstairs later.” 

“It was nice having breakfast with you Steve,” Pepper added and then left. 

It wasn’t long before Natasha knocked on his door.

She was more direct than Tony.

“Thank you for yesterday.”

“It was nothing.” Nothing except his strength.

“If the ray had hit me…” Natasha said, “I believe that I would have become a traitor. And I have enough knowledge to destroy SHIELD and all of the Avengers. I don’t know if this is a comfort to you, but your sacrifice is… appreciated.” He could see the glimmer of reluctance, something almost like pain, as she admitted this to him. Natasha didn’t tell people things like this, Steve knew. The fact that she was doing it so Steve could know his loss wasn’t for nothing… it meant a lot.

“Thank you for telling me,” Steve said simply. 

She looked at the mostly uneaten breakfast tray on his table and said, “I guess Tony came by too?”

“Yeah. He wouldn’t tell me what he was most afraid of becoming, though.”

Natasha quipped, “We should assume that he’s afraid of being someone that no one pays attention to.”

Steve laughed. 

“No, really,” Natasha said, thoughtful suddenly, “If I had to guess, I’d say that Tony probably fears being…well, stupid.”

Steve raised an eyebrow.

Natasha shrugged. “If I had to speculate.”

“But for Tony, ‘stupid’ probably would mean he’s only an average genius,” Steve pointed out with a laugh.

Natasha answered, “Yeah, it’s funny how some people think that it would ruin everything if they were just slightly less extraordinary than they were.” She gave Steve a pointed look that was apparently supposed to illustrate some mysterious point.

“Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks,” Natasha added before she stepped toward the door to exit.

“Happy I was there,” Steve said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint, Steve, Natasha, and Bucky go for a walk. Steve remembers that he has asthma again.

Steve came down to the common area and found Clint, Natasha, and Bucky waiting for him.

That’s right. He was planning to go to Central Park with Clint and Natasha. Rather, he had insisted on proving to Clint and Natasha that Central Park could be fun. They had immediately seen through it immediately, knowing that Steve was just trying to build team unity, and make them feel as much part of the Avengers as they were part of SHIELD. But Clint and Natasha seemed amused enough by his efforts to agree.

Steve had assumed they would be dealing with the obvious issue of needing a new leader for the Avengers team. Instead, everyone was obviously planning on acting like everything was normal. Which seemed kind of ridiculous to Steve. But someone – presumably Natasha – had convinced Bucky to come too. Sometimes, Steve wondered if Bucky and Natasha had some connection he didn’t know about.

They took the subway there and started walking. All of them were in plainclothes, so it was uneventful at first. Steve usually helped with the small talk, but he wasn’t in the mood, so it was rather silent for most of the walk.

Steve walked at a quick pace, but he had forgotten how much longer the walk would be with shorter legs. He also wasn’t used to the level of pollution on the way there, and he hadn’t felt this cold in a long time. He felt his lungs strain a little, but refused to be defeated by a walk in the park. He kept walking and refused to slow down.

Eventually, though, he felt it. The closing off, the pain in the chest, of an asthma attack. He tried to breathe slowly, just like his doctor told him all those years ago, and he sat on the nearest bench and leaned over, his elbows on his knees. Staying calm could reduce the severity of the attack sometimes, if he could prevent his body from panicking and making it even harder to breathe.

“Medical can be here in 5,” Clint said, but Steve vigorously shook his head. He didn’t need this on SHIELD records. 

Natasha sized him up and said, “I’ll be right back,” and went sprinting in another direction.

Clint decided to get on the phone and Steve didn’t have the breath to yell at him.

Bucky just sat down next to him. Steve could barely detect it was him; things were starting to go a little dizzy, and it was hard to think of anything but his lungs.

A hand then, on Steve’s back. Heavy, but soft, in slow circles. 

He looked over at Bucky, saw his furrowed brow. The winter light gleamed harshly off his face, but his eyes looked dark, familiar.

Steve managed to slow his breathing. Just a little.

But enough.

Natasha sped back up to him with an inhaler, which he used twice. Finally, after a couple more minutes, Steve sat back against the bench, almost back to normal.

“Sorry, everybody,” Steve said.

“Apologies are stupid,” Clint said.

Steve assumed that was Clint’s way of saying ‘no problem.’ 

Clint called off the SHIELD medical team on its way, and out of the corner of his eye Steve noticed two joggers and a bicycle rider who happened to all be rushing along this path stop, appear to hear something in their ear coms, and turn around to make a casual retreat. Natasha returned the inhaler to its owner, a young woman who had been happy to help without need for any great manipulative skill.

When Steve was ready, they all headed back to the Tower.

Steve thanked them and went to his room.

Bucky followed him again.

“I don’t need help up to my room,” Steve said pointedly. He wanted to kick himself. He had been trying for months to get Bucky to spend time with him.

But if he couldn’t have Bucky’s friendship back, he sure as hell didn’t want his pity. 

Bucky looked at him strangely then. “I knew what to do back there.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I mean, thanks. You helped… a lot.”

Bucky frowned. “Steve. I think maybe… I remembered what to do.” Steve picked up on a tension in his voice; he was worried that Steve might read too much into this, that Steve would embarrass himself like an overeager puppy the way he had when Bucky first showed up.

Steve carefully didn’t. He smiled at Bucky. “Yeah, you did that a lot.”

“Really.” Bucky still didn’t look as if he knew whether to be happy or upset that he remembered something new.

“Yeah.” What else could he say? That Bucky’s hands, Bucky’s voice, had gotten through pretty much all of his worst moments (until he lost Bucky, of course).

“Hm.” Bucky turned around and went back to his quarters, leaving Steve to plop down on his bed and wonder what the hell he was going to do. Maybe he could convince SHIELD to let him stick around to watch over Bucky. And Tony owned the Tower; Tony definitely didn’t have the heart to kick him out. He wondered if SHIELD would give him a few days before making him officially step down. Maybe a couple of weeks, if there were no big crisis.

He heard a knock at the door then. 

It was Tony. 

He said, “Good, you’re back. Coulson wants to see you in the training room.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson wants to talk to Steve about his future. Plus, he definitely doesn't have secret tapes of Avengers meetings.

Coulson was waiting for Steve. So was a nurse from SHIELD medical, who seemed quite exasperated to have to explain ‘common sense’ to a superhero. For instance, that the emergency inhaler needs to be kept on his person at all times. In case of emergency.

When the nurse left, Steve looked at Coulson.

“I’m sorry to hear you had a tough morning, Captain. I hope you’re up to some practice.” He gestured toward the table that held Steve’s shield. 

Steve wasn’t sure if this was a SHIELD test or just Coulson’s personal mission to distract Steve from the reality of the situation. He suspected the latter. Still, he went along with it. It had been hard to say no to Coulson ever since Clint had told him that Captain America action figures had gotten Phil through his very rough childhood. 

As expected, Steve couldn’t throw with much strength or speed. His accuracy was still good, but only within a very limited distance. His reflexes weren’t great but probably fast enough to use the shield defensively if he saw where the gun aimed before it actually shot. 

Coulson seemed quite pleased with the results for some reason. Steve was beginning to wonder if Phil was actually there to get Steve to autograph something.

When he was done, Coulson clapped him lightly on the shoulder (and Steve was really starting to hate how gentle everyone was now when they touched him). But then he said, “We’ll probably not have your new uniform for a few days. Stark wants to make some technical improvements. Lightweight shielding, some other things.”

“You think I’m still going to be Captain America?” Steve asked warily. If they thought he was going to continue to do those awful press junkets when he couldn’t even fight….

Coulson looked confused. 

“Steve, the Avengers still need you.”

Steve wanted to laugh, but it came out bitter, warped.

“I don’t need pity, Agent Coulson.” He has never, ever needed pity.

Coulson just looked amused. “You think Director Fury makes decisions based on… _pity_?”

He had a point, Steve realized. 

Coulson smiled and got out his phone. He hit a few buttons and held up a video. “You’re not really supposed to see this,” Coulson said, “Because officially SHIELD would never, ever record secret Avengers meetings.” 

Steve was about to consider how to respond to their approach to privacy, but Coulson had pushed play:

There had been a meeting late last night at SHIELD headquarters. Fury had asked them if they wanted to replace Captain America as their leader or as a team member. 

Tony had put down the danish he was eating and said, “Wait – this is a meeting about having the Avengers without Steve? I’m not attending a meeting about that.” He grabbed a few more snacks before walking out of the room.

The other Avengers were happy to follow.

“Agreed,” said Thor.

“Now let’s get out of this building,” Bruce said, “It makes me tense.” Natasha had smiled just slightly at that, as if she had some sense that Bruce enjoyed trolling SHIELD personnel.

When the video was done, Steve stood there, confused.

Coulson said, “Obviously, your tactics will have to change to account for your different capabilities. It wouldn’t be wise in your current state to recklessly throw yourself in front of every hurtling object.”

“I wouldn’t say that I’m normally reckless,” Steve said.

Coulson kept his face perfectly, carefully, non-judgmentally neutral.

Steve finally just sighed. “You know what? This is ridiculous. The other Avengers I might expect this from. But SHIELD? You’re warriors. You know that I’m not fit to lead this team any more.” The words seemed to crack open as he said them, like pebbles shattered against a larger rock. He didn’t want to have to say it. But it looked like he was the only one who could admit the truth. 

Coulson just raised an eyebrow. “Yes, Captain, I believe this is the first time in history a command has been granted for one’s tactical abilities over one’s physical strength.”

Steve paused. “But… I have to have at least a bare minimum of fighting skill too….”

“That’s why the nurse was here. Modern medicine can help your overall health, but only if you take all the prescriptions precisely as instructed. But perhaps you’d like me to find someone else that Natasha, Clint, and Director Fury all trust, and that the Hulk will take orders from. Or worse yet, that Tony will take orders from. But if that’s what you want me to do, well, I think I might rather quit.” 

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. 

“I know this is hard,” Coulson added, before handing Steve his shield again. “But your team and your world need you. I know it isn’t in you to refuse your duty.” 

Steve watched him leave the training room then. 

He sat down on the floor and thought for a long time.

Then he stood up, grabbed his shield, and kept practicing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is snippy after a battle. Then Bucky remembers something about his past with Steve and Bucky isn't happy about it.

The first time Steve fought a battle in his new body, everyone followed his orders without question.

Except for the part where Tony swooped into bring him and Clint out of the pathway of a missile instead of taking the left flank.

Not that Steve could really object to that choice.

Still, he felt a little sullen when the battle was over. They were all sitting at SHIELD HQ after a debrief, Bruce keeping warm in SHIELD sweatshirt and pants as Tony shoved candy bars at him. They were talking over the day, and Steve may have mentioned to Tony that he shouldn’t be given special treatment.

That got him a look from Clint, who didn’t particularly like being carried around by Iron Man but always took it like a professional. 

Steve looked sheepish then, and Clint took it as an opportunity to mock him a little. “So Cap, all those times you protected me or Nat with your shield, it was giving us weak humans special treatment.”

“I never thought of it like that,” Steve objected. “We have one another’s back, that’s just how it has to be.” Steve paused and added, “Fine. Point taken.”

Clint smiled. There wasn’t malice in it, but there was definitely teasing. “Maybe you should tell Nat about how awful it is to be small in stature. How nobody on the team will take you seriously now that you’re not toweringly humungous.” Natasha raised an eyebrow at Steve then.

“Only someone with a deathwish would underestimate Natasha,” Steve said awkwardly. Clint smirked; he was well aware that Steve really had no way of answering well.

But it did make Steve realize that even when he was bigger, he still wouldn’t have pissed off Natasha for anything. And he knew that the team felt the same way. So it was pretty silly to assume that he got less respect for his size.

And yes, Natasha and Clint were now stronger than him physically. Yes, Natasha could best him now at hand-to-hand. So could Clint, probably, and he was far better as a sniper (though the last part wasn’t new). But nobody on the team or at SHIELD had ever thought any less of those two for being the, well, most human of the Avengers. So it was pretty arrogant of Steve to assume that he couldn't deal with being a human Avenger too. Or non-metahuman, as Tony liked to say.

“Okay, okay, I get the point,” Steve repeated. He knew they weren’t telling him that he had no right to feel loss; he knew they were telling him that they expected him to lead the team with the same sense of good old-fashioned suck-it-up and teamwork. “Good work today, everyone. Let’s go celebrate,” he announced.

“Gelato then sushi,” Tony suggested. Everyone just agreed. By now it was just easier to let Tony get his way on where they ate.

They did enjoy the food, and the company. If anything, Steve was struck by how little was different. Not everyone-trying-to-act-like-it’s-the-same, which had occasionally been the case while Steve was still training and adjusting to his medicines. Overall, Steve, was just relieved that it looked like he could still contribute to the team; they had defeated all the HYDRA agents with no casualties thanks to his tactics, which even Natasha praised as being “surprisingly devious.”

When he got back, Bucky was waiting for him in his room, sitting at his dining room table.

“What’s wrong?”

Bucky smiled and said, in a mildly accusatory tone, “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t end up dead.”

“Because I’m weak?” Steve said, more challenge than he was used to using with Bucky.

“Because you’re an idiot,” Bucky said, leaning back and crossing his arms. 

Steve sat across from him. “Okay.”

Bucky sighed. “France, I think. I heard French being spoken. We were carrying you.”

Steve nodded. He remembered.

Bucky continued, “I don’t remember what you did. But I remember carrying you. It was snowing and we were trying not to fall as we carried you and the whole time I was thinking what an idiot you are for trying whatever it is you tried. Do you know how terrifying that is, to see someone you’ve gotten used to being near invincible, not even able to stay conscious long enough to get the hell out of there?” There was rage in his voice now, thinly controlled.

Steve almost smiled. “When I came to, you were not happy with me.”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“So you said.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes. “I’m working out in the tower. Dragging weights over to the station. Figure SHIELD keeps telling me to join the Avengers, so I’ll either do that or run from SHIELD, and either way, got to stay in shape. And I know the team is off fighting, I figure you guys will be okay, you got the green guy and the hammer guy and the dude who dresses like a robot. And then suddenly I remember that you’re an idiot. I remember my feet slipping as I cussed you out and being so pissed that you didn’t open your eyes. And then I wonder if you’re even coming back tonight.”

Steve was oddly touched, despite the fact that Bucky’s tone suggested that Steve had just kicked him below the belt or something. 

Bucky added, “By the way, I don’t care how many decades ago it was, I’m still pissed at you.”

Steve couldn’t help it. He just started laughing.

Bucky didn’t.

Finally, Steve caught his breath. “Don’t worry. I didn’t do anything too stupid today. Though I kind of whined a little after Tony had to save me.”

“Save you because you were an idiot?” Bucky said testily.

“Because things like that happen in battle. As you know. Clint had to be saved too.”

“Great. You’re as cautious as the guy who jumps off of buildings. Remind me to tell him he’s probably an idiot too.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna go well.”

Bucky sighed, then leaned forward, elbows on the table. “Look, Steve, you know I don’t like having… this whole other life that’s playing peek a boo in my head. But I don’t need any more big surprises.”

 _Well, if you keep remembering, that’s going to be a problem,_ Steve thought. But he just smiled. “Sure, Buck.” 

“Look, I know it’s important to you that I remember you. But mostly I remember worrying about you. What’s the use of that, you know?”

Steve stared at him. He hadn’t realized he had been such a burden.

“Don’t look at me with the puppy dog eyes,” Bucky said.

“I’m not--”

“You definitely are,” Bucky said, “You used those eyes to get your way plenty. And don’t be sulky -- I just meant that sometimes it scared me. Never knowing what unwinnable fight you might get into next. I guess I must have been a more patient guy then, but I don’t think I’m that patient any more. You see my point?”

“Is your point that you’re remembering a lot more than you let on?”

Bucky tensed. “My point is, no more being an idiot.”

Steve smiled. “Got it, Buck.”

Bucky pushed his hands on the table to stand then and walked slowly out, apparently satisfied with the answers he got.

Steve wished he could feel the same.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has news. Coulson has another video.

A few weeks later, Bucky was in his room again when Steve came back from battle. He was lying on the couch, feet up.

“I promise I wasn’t an idiot,” Steve said on reflex.

Bucky ignored him and said, “You should have told me we were more than friends.”

 _Oh. We’re having that conversation now,_ Steve thought.

But Bucky just held up his phone.

“What’s going on?”

“Phones that play movies are still weird,” Bucky answered.

“Okay.”

“So that Coulson guy was on my ass again. About how I should join SHIELD, contribute to the common good, blah blah blah.”

“You would be a valuable addition to the team, Buck.”

“Yeah. Well, anyway, he sent me a video. Of you.”

For a moment, Steve thought that Coulson had some secret tape of Steve jacking off while mumbling Bucky’s name but he realized that this scenario was unlikely. Not that he put it past SHIELD to put a camera in his shower but he didn’t think Coulson would send that kind of video to Bucky.

Bucky didn’t make him wonder long. He pushed play.

It was the video from several months ago, right after Bucky agreed to stay in SHIELD custody until he could figure out who he was. Steve was talking to Agent Coulson about whether inviting Bucky to join them would be worth the risks. Bucky pushed play and let Steve watch:  
 _  
“I understand that you have a past with him,” Agent Coulson had said, “But in his current state, his loyalty is hardly a sure thing. You must see that.”_

_“There was a time when you said that about Natasha. And Thor. And Tony,” Steve pointed out._

_“The man’s not even sure who he is anymore,” Coulson answered, with compassion but firmly._

_“That’s exactly how I felt the first couple of years after I … woke up. Still feel like that a lot of days.”_

_“Your situations aren’t comparable, Captain.”_

_Steve paused. “Look, Agent Coulson, I’ve been told that you really looked up to me when you were young.”_

_Coulson grimaced. “You know I can’t let that affect my decision, Captain Rogers.”_

_“What I mean is, I heard that I was, you know, your hero. That you wanted to be like me, that I was the reason you devoted your life to serving your country. That I got you through some rough times.”_

_Coulson’s jaw tensed just slightly. “You’re a national icon. I’m not embarrassed to admit any of that.”_

_“What I’m trying to say, Agent Coulson, is that what I was for you, that’s what Bucky was for me. He was my hero and my best friend and the guy who got me through the worst. He taught me more than anyone ever has about loyalty and courage, Agent Coulson.” He looked at Coulson with desperation, wanting him to understand._

_After a long time, Coulson sighed. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea, Captain Rogers.”_

_“I give you my word, Bucky is the biggest hero I’ve ever known. Even if he never remembers the past, that man is still in him. You just have to give him a chance to be a hero again. I know this for a fact.”_

_Coulson looked at Steve for a long time. “All right. I’ll work on convincing him.”_

_“Thank you, Agent Coulson. You won’t regret it.”_  
  
Bucky stopped the tape.

“So I wasn’t just your friend, I was your _best_ friend? Your hero?” he asked, his face impossible to read.

“Maybe I just said that to convince SHIELD,” Steve said, somewhat to preserve his own dignity, mostly to avoid that uncomfortable look Bucky got when Steve let on just how much he was hoping for from Bucky.

“All that press training and you’re still a shit liar,” Bucky said. He put his phone away. “You know that Coulson guy is pretty good at head games.”

“He probably learned it from Fury. Though the video thing, that’s probably all Coulson.”

“Look, Steve.” Bucky paused. “I know that… I haven’t been exactly what you wanted. I know you wish you had the old guy back.”

“That’s not true.”

“Shit liar, remember? Anyway, I know I haven’t exactly been welcoming of your… attention. But it means something, that you would stick up for me, you know?”

“You did the same for me. You don’t even know how many times,” Steve said, swallowing thickly. He knew he was probably about scare Bucky into getting up and leaving.

“Just came here to say thanks.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.”

“And that I’m joining the team. On a temporary provisional basis. I can quit any time, SHIELD can tell me to leave any time, so can any of the Avengers.”

Steve grinned but resisted the urge to hug him. “I’m very glad to hear that. Welcome to the team.”

He reached out to Bucky for a handshake, and Bucky gripped his hand, firm but not entirely sure.

“I’m glad that you and Agent Coulson came to an understanding,” Steve said. 

“You know, he seems like a good agent. But I kind of don’t like the guy.”

“Why?”

“I asked if he thought I was a better sniper than Hawkeye. He said no. Then he laughed. Almost a giggle really. Like it was absurd or something.”

“Bucky,” Steve said, “If you can make Agent Coulson laugh, intentionally or not, then you’ve got a leg up on pretty much all of us.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky asks Steve some more questions about the past. Steve knew he'd have to answer them eventually.

Bucky adjusted to the team well. He didn’t like the policy of leaving as many HYDRA agents alive as possible for interrogation, but he accepted SHIELD policy on it. 

He got into rather epic snark battles with Tony and Clint, with the three of them being about evenly matched. He liked taunting Hulk, challenging him to arm wrestling battles, which worried Steve, but Hulk seemed to find it entertaining. He was nice enough to Bruce, but never so nice that Bruce felt like Bucky was afraid to be around him. And he and Natasha got Thor drunk on vodka, which was a feat in and of itself. And he and Steve worked as well together in battle as ever. Though he did have to remind Bucky a couple of times that he is supposed to follow orders first and nag his CO about staying safe second.

But aside from team training sessions and post-battle team meals, Bucky didn’t spend a lot of time with Steve. If anything, he hung out more with Natasha probably than anyone. Still, as long as Bucky was safe and on the right side of things, Steve knew he should be grateful.

Things changed after training one day. Steve was wearing a white tank top and beige pants, punching a bag as hard as he could. It was making a decent impact, almost as good as Clint.

Bucky was watching him. He had put his weights down and was just staring. When he saw that Steve had noticed, he abruptly left the training room.

Steve wondered what it was about. 

Later that night, though, Steve heard a knock on the door to his quarters.

“Bucky,” Steve said with surprise when he opened the door. Of all the times Bucky had come to see him in his room (which weren’t many), Bucky had always just barged in. “Come in, sit down.”

Bucky sat down on the couch. He was silent for a long time.

“You remembered something,” Steve realized.

“You were wearing that white undershirt. It was a few days before I deployed. There was a tiny bed, and the window was open because we wanted the air.”

_Oh. That night._

Bucky looked up at Steve who was standing next to him at a loss of words.

“You should have told me, Steve. What we were to each other. You _really_ should have told me.”

Steve sat on the couch, as far from Bucky as possible, and tried for a long time to think of something to say.

Bucky finally said, “You thought it would scare me off?”

“I… didn’t see the point in making you think I had… expectations.”

Bucky laughed, a little bitter. “You’ve obviously had expectations. That I become a good guy, a team player, save the world, all that crap. I just didn’t know that….”

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you… uncomfortable.”

Bucky looked at him. “At least now I don’t have to worry that I had some weird unrequited crush on you for years or something. By the way, what I remembered today -- it was a very vivid memory, Steve. I remember almost all of it. I even remember being nervous before.”

Steve let out a half laugh. “ _You_ were nervous?” Steve was terribly anxious that night. He had never been with anyone, men or women; Bucky had been with both (sometimes simultaneously).

Bucky nodded, though. “I was nervous. I asked you if you were sure you wanted to do this. And you kissed me. You said, ‘I trust you, Bucky.’ And I just… didn’t care about being nervous anymore.” He moved closer to Steve.

“Oh,” Steve said, uncertainly. He told himself not to read too much into any of this, that soon Bucky was going to walk out of here as annoyed by Steve’s hold on his past as ever.

“I think you’ve already figured out that I’ve been remembering a lot of things, Steve. And a common thread seems to be that I’ve never been able to say no to you.”

“Really.”

“Never was able to bring myself to tell you stop trying to join the army. Never was able to tell you to stop getting in fistfights with every bully in Brooklyn. Never was able to tell you that if it weren’t you leading the Howling Commandos then I would have taken the damn desk job they offered because of my injuries.”

Steve never knew that last part. 

“What I’m saying, Steve, is that you seem to always get your way. Bastard.”

Steve and Bucky both laughed then.

“Look, Steve. I need to know something. If you had your choice, would you want to … be like that again?”

“I’m not expecting that from you, Buck.”

“Dammit, Steve, I’m not so fucking delicate that I can’t deal with an honest answer. Do you want me? The way we were that night? When you said that no matter how long I’m gone or how far I go, we….” Bucky trailed off in frustration.

Steve remembered what he had said that night. _No matter what, we still belong to each other._

“Yes,” Steve said, looking him in the eyes. His voice broke, but he got it out.

Bucky moved closer to him again. He leaned in slowly, as if he thought Steve were uncertain, and kissed him.

It was soft, familiar. Slow.

When they were done, they leaned against each other, forehead to forehead, like they had done so many times before.

Bucky whispered, “You’d have to trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

“I don’t even trust myself. You don’t even… you don’t even know half the things I’ve done. Horrible things, Steve,” Bucky said, voice pained.

“I’m yours no matter what,” Steve said, and it hurt to say, hurt to risk, but it was the truth and if ever he was going to tell Bucky the truth, it had to be now.

Bucky kissed him again, possessive, his hand cupping Steve’s face. Steve reached for him, ran his hand up Bucky’s shirt, and soon Bucky was holding him closer, his large body encompassing him.

“Are you sure, Steve?” Bucky said, breath hot in Steve’s ear.

Steve swallowed. He was damn sure, but if Bucky weren’t…

“I’m ready. But we can wait,” Steve said, pulling back, “If you want.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Damn puppy dog eyes. You always get what you want, don’t you,” he said with a grin.

“Only if you….”

Bucky paused, looking at Steve. “I finally figured out one thing that I definitely, unconfusedly want from this century. So I think we’ve waited enough.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss him again.

“Definitely long enough,” Steve mumbled right before Bucky’s lips covered his.

(end)


End file.
